MemberFebruary 6, 2021 at 8:43 pm
Such a beautiful share @maria. I’m so at the same point as you are rn.
Tired. Battle weary. Bored even! It’s mike the literal life( force) has been sucked out of me especially over this last 6 years and all I want to do is replenish and find some modicum of refresh-ment.
It makes so much sense now how we weren’t able to be met/move into our fuller selves because the masculine just hadn’t evolved ( inner and outer versions) and just wasn’t there to support us.
In hindsight it hardly surprising that we feel collapsed because one ‘ leg’ of us just wasn’t there.
As I write this I realise I literally collapsed under the strain of the feminine having to take the ‘ weight’ of this process fully-about 4 years ago my left leg/ankle just buckled under me and I broke my ankle and 4 bones in my foot. It was diagnosed as a sprain at first but 12 weeks later and a lot of ‘pain and suffering/hobbling about ‘ unsupportive) I found out how ‘broken’ I/it was. My left hip is still out of whack and I’m still in process of trying to find my footing balance.
This occurred when the literal ‘ masculine’’ in my life was not showing up -a job loss has meant 6 years now of being out of work and I’ve felt so under pressure mainly because of his lethargy /resistance m/inability to move forward .
Because of my invisible ‘ role’ that’s been off world and my apparent ‘ inability’ to be engaged in the 3D world of ‘ money msking’ it’s been a very difficult ride .
I manifested money in other ways but have been watching as patiently as I can , and frankly very powerless as the ‘ masculine’ went thru all its resistances, woundedness, imbalances , ugly truths , narcissistic behaviours etc etc
I too don’t know if this was holding neutrality or just taking it. All I do know that every time I tried to break free or rise up and out of it, I would crash particularly physically or something Wouk do block my movements.
It is literally only in this last week that I see changes in this dynamic. I can feel the support/recalibration come online somewhat. I feel more supported and there are ‘ realisations’ and expressions of remorse/taking ownership beginning to filter thru.
I have also had a clear movie reel of my masculine/feminine heritage playing in technicolor via my parents dynamics this last few months too which has shown me how I was conditioned to be neutral/ taking it.
It’s like we’ve been all programmed to be this way-unbalanced.
The thing with us perhaps that is different from previous’ feminine’ experience is that some of us have always had clarity/felt off about this inherent imbalance/enslavement but also know it was not traditional feminism that was the solution ( at some level that always felt like patriarchy in a skirt) but that something deeper was needed to allow the masculine wounds to show but to also hold the space for this to happen. A real Pandora’s box situation. 😳
I have felt like the ‘ mother of mother’s’ , the sacrificial lamb in order for the masculine wounded child to have a safe space to disassemble/ evolve in the holy child/‘ man’ from the Peter Pan/narcissist version.
I remember a few years ago when in the dark throes of this personal/collective ‘ de-volution, I was actually on a solo retreat in the countryside feeling very fragmented, worn down and trying unsuccessfully to build my creativity into an income stream that a pelican swooped low over me and dropped this giant feather in my pathway.
Apparently the pelican in Christian tradition symbolises the ultimate version of sacrifice for the good of the other especially of the young for the pelican is known to pluck flesh from her own breast to feed her young if need be.. I kept this giant feather .
Yesterday we were out walking by the river when a huge pelican swooped low literally almost taking my husbands head off ( his hat lifted) and landed right in front of us on the water.
I personally took this as a sign that my mission of holding space for the masculine to re-birth was over.
I think I/ we have a huge amount of rehab to do physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I’m beginning to see m/ feel so much more supported by my/the/his ‘ masculine.
I’m still very wary/gunshy but I’m also noticing that it’s become easier to ‘accept’ the support without my feeling suspicious? Disbelieveing? Cautious?
So the wound in me/the collective feminine might be more healed than our PTSD/trauma might be allowing us to embrace?
The trust in self and the flip that the matrix HAS. taken is something I’ve been thinking about . It’s the ‘ move in order to be moved’ , the cart before the horse and the lead as love credo coming into full blossom perhaps. Where the belief in the arrival of the new masculine supports its manifestation. Also, it seems to have been a long held mantra/wound that the masculine has always cried about-‘ I just want you to believe in me more’!’
This I think has been the chicken and egg issue between the immature? M and F expressions for centuries where the corrupted M creates a suspicious conditionally loving/corrupted version of the F which then gets stuck cycling in this unsatisfactory/ enslaved manner.
The divine mother principle-unconditional love was/is expressed often towards the M but not sufficiently towards the F /Self resulting In ‘ spoilt’ men/masculine and/or the F resenting taking their own resentments out often surreptitiously ( withholding love) on the men especially on the male child which led to a corrupted Divine Mother energy.
I know I have been personally tested and retested in how well I can hold the uncorrupted mother energy signature with my sons and husband , father etc over and over again as this was frankly my whole world ( I seemed to have been kept out of the external world /work etc ) .
I’ve also had clarity on how if the Mother does not learn to give to HerSelf the same unconditional love she becomes the perpetrator if not just guilt but feeds the cycle of entitlement /narcissistic behaviour. An empath who creates no personal boundaries , insufficient self love feeds the beast.
Anyways, apologies fir the long rant. If nothing more this thread is SO helping me articulate my history and my present and creating a sense of my future thru this putting of pieces in this puzzle.